The Crash and the Rash

Journal Entry for December 25, 2013

It was a hectic year and I barely had time for personal reflection. But right now, vacation has started and allowed me some time to get my mind working on some personal housekeeping. The main content of this journal entry will focus on two seemingly divergent but connected events.

Before leaving Davao City (around Dec. 21), my boyfriend noticed a rash on my right chest. It didn't hurt or itch so I brushed if off and paid him no heed. When I got home, the rash spread and grew in size. I felt a weakness on my right arm and a pain on my forearm especially when exerting effort on that muscle.

I waited until Monday (Dec. 23) before telling papa about it. We drove over to the family doctor's clinic and was diagnosed with Herpes Zoster, a.k.a shingles. Though the pain was agonizing and the blisters' growth was worrying, nothing could prepare me for what happened on December 24th, the eve of Christmas.

My father left earlier before lunch to attend the family gathering at my grandma's house. His siblings were there but my mother, brother and I elected to stay behind because we weren't really that close with father's side of the family.

My mother waited until 7 pm before she told us of his habit to get drunk and enjoy the festivities. But that he couldn't tolerate his alcohol that much and end up stumbling around. And true enough, years ago my father bumped his car while coming home from his brother's funeral. He had a couple of drinks and insisted on driving home.

Anyway, while we were waiting, my mother told me that if it were this late, my father would have been intoxicated to the point that he would have to sleep over there. Thinking that this were the case, I continued leisurely surfing the net.

Around a few minutes after that, mother came in rattled and to the brink of crying. She checked up on the front gate only to find father with just one slipper and wet muddy feet. Once he is seated, father relayed his story of how the car nearly flipped and ran into a canal. A rescue team had to be sent out to get the car. Fortunately enough, he climbed out safely.

During the situation, mother burst into tears out of fear and apprehension. While I comforted her, I also felt the fear and a thousand "what-ifs" ran into my head. What if he hadn't climbed out? What if he was trapped? Did he suffer injuries? What if there were hemorrhages?

At a glance, you could tell that he's uninjured but what of the inside? He insisted that he's fine and that we shouldn't worry but is he really?

Right now, I couldn't think of Christmas. The entire family had already settled. But right now, I could still feel my own frailty and wave of depression and sorrow came over me as I imagined a life without not just my dad but my mom as well.

In this situation, I felt so worthless and useless. All I did was check for injuries. But that was in the aftermath. I could do nothing to prevent the crash in the first place and save my already frail and elderly father from the accident that wracked our family this night. I was still immature, never really growing up.

In the end, would the time actually come that I would have to live without them? Just the thought saddens me. But it also gives me a new inspiration to spend the days with them and make them happy. I gained a new strength to renew my zeal to study and finish the dream and vision that my father and mother set for me.

As I retire for the night, I can only hope that my father is safe and sound and on the road to recovery.

Ending May - An Anticlimactic-Hectic Month

Progress on our thesis has been relatively slow. Although we made a few breakthroughs, third party arrangements and interruptions slowed our progress. I don't know what next week will bring. We're still up to the formation of the polystyrene film, while an essential part, make up just a small portion of our thesis. I do hope that we would be able to finish what we need to do despite my doubts.

My boyfriend and I have a pretty unstable and rocky start. Not sure where this will go, I guess I should wait it out and see what happens next.

Weekly Update | Bad and Good News

My boyfriend upped our bedroom activities a little (to be honest we did anal a couple of times which was a bit scary. The one time he failed to use a condom kind of traumatized me for a while. But I moved on. We're scheduling for an STI test at a local center anyway), bonded for quite a while and made plans to find a boarding house together so we could move in.

A bit of a bad news however is that just this afternoon, a ruined lunch plan led me to skip a meal. With only one boiled egg and a half for breakfast, I know deep inside that it's a disaster waiting to happen.

All went well for a while and we managed secure permission to collect some soil sample. It was when we were going home that all went wrong. I agreed to purchase some beverage for my thesis mates and I to quench our thirst. As I lined up for the cashier to pay our purchase, my vision turned blurry and I immediately felt faint and incoherrent. From the sides to the center, I could feel my vision dimmed. And I only managed to walk out before collapsing upon my thesis mate's shoulder.

The rest was all too fast and dark and confusing. But I do know that a lot of bystanders were focused on me breeding a feeling of embarrassment and irritation within me. To think that I am a liability to others is simply too much. A few guards were even on the scene and a manager (was he?) was handing me a cup of hot water. It really was an embarrassing episode.

With my limited knowledge, I am suspecting a mild heat stroke or a hypoglycemic attack. But there's no way in hell I'm confirming this with a doctor. For now, secrets secrets secrets.

If possible, I just want that one hour of embarrassment to be deleted from my memory. It's just too much to handle.

Addendum: I might want to add that after staying for a couple of days at my boyfriend's boarding house (or was that after we went to his hometown, Kidapawan? I forget easily ugh), I started to experience flu-like symptoms, loss of appetite, headaches, etc. I was suspecting caffeine withdrawal because I haven't been drinking tea since I stayed at his place (April 26, I believe). Or it could be a rise in my blood pressure because I managed to consume almost an entire roasted chicken. I wasn't experiencing a serious fever so I'm not sure how to approach the problem. Drinking tea and increasing my fluid intake + sleep time seemed to have fixed the problem. I can't help but wonder if this feeling of sickness is connected to the incidence today.

First time for everything

This week was a lot of first. I had my first kiss with my first boyfriend, I also had a first sleepover in his boarding house. And... a first sexual experience. It was awkward though and it was pretty one-sided. He ended up giving me a blowjob but I never got to return the favor. :( Either way, I know that this is going to bloom into something greater. And I'm happy for that.

First true date | The Magic in Magsaysay Park

It was an ordinary day so far. The routines were quite similar that I even doubted that this day would change. Nevertheless, I was surprised, although I really shouldn't because we both planned to meet this afternoon.  Indeed, I am still new to the dating world. But somehow, that adventurous side of me wanted to try out something new and indeed the day started out as something that truly exceeded my expectations.

We agreed to meet at around 2p.m and I was running late already because well, for one I do not know where the heck this Magsaysay Park is (yep, a third year student in Davao still did not know that, shame indeed.), I am also anxious whether I look okay or if I'm ready emotionally. Every little delays continued on and I ended up extremely late. The icing there is that the guy wasn't there and he asked me for load. At first, I was distrustful. Though I still decided to look for somewhere that sells cell phone load, I was inwardly contemplating whether or not I should go. And yep, that's the suspicious and distrustful side of me taking over, though I would regret that later.

When indeed we met, I was at first anxious, shy and a little bit wary. But we easily talked as we went over to his place which is a first. Most strangers that I've met weren't easy to talk to, particularly because I'm your self-proclaimed introvert and because there's no connection for us as well as the dull topic that we usually end up chatting with. So it was indeed a surprise when we talked easily. We went into his room and did nothing but talk of all sorts of random things, bringing out words with me with simply talking. Slowly, we ended up getting closer and even when his roommates arrived, we were cuddling on his bed, still talking and perhaps getting to know a little bit better.

An hour or two passed and we decided to eat and take an evening walk, where we ended back in Magsaysay park to eat (minute burger) and continued talking. An hour or two passed (I really can't recall, I was having such a good time that I forgot to keep track of the time. In the end, he was such a gentleman to walk me back to my dormitory with a good night kiss topping it all off to a sweet and subtle conclusion. He invited me however to sleepover tomorrow. And I can't help but agree, it was all so exciting.

Though I found it ironic that our date started and ended in Magsaysay park, I believe that there are new feelings growing within me. I was exposed to a world I haven't seen before (though it was only for a few moments) and I am extremely glad to have this opportunity. I was hoping that this relationship would last longer. I'd expect rough roads but I'm going to enjoy this one and perhaps even mature emotionally.

Excellent NIGHT! :)

Davao City Again - Thesis Start

Finally settled in my dorm after a long 5 and a half-hour trip from my hometown. I was hoping to convene with my thesis mates tomorrow to lay down our plans for this summer. Though things are still calm, the dormitory has a lot of things to offer for my plate. Apparently, I have to switch rooms again according to policy issues. Which would entail the hassle of lugging around my belongings and settling once more.

On the bright side, our grade for Philosophy has finally been uploaded. I am so happy with the result not only because I didn't study for it but it was a time where I had to rely a lot on guess-work because my brain was busy (at that time) trying to review materials for the Molecular Biology exam for the afternoon. I ended up getting distracted during the final exam for Philosophy. But the result was more than admirable and satisfactory, easing the stress that I had experienced from the trip and from the quirky arrangement in the dormitory.

Shindan Loaded! Diary Emerge - First Post

I don't really know what sparked this idea. But I'm pretty sure Future Diary (Mirai Nikki) sparked an interest within me. That and I really need to revisit the writer within me. An online journal which is accessible anywhere seemed a good idea to me. Well, that's not much of an opener. But I'll be sure to fill this journal up constantly. And I mean that. This would serve as a good mental exercise.

I also have a pretty good idea of storing some important lecture notes here for easier reference in the future. I think this isn't much of an opener or a "hello world" message. But this pretty much sum up its purpose- a record of my ideas, significant experiences and ramblings that is accessible anywhere and anytime. :)

So let's get this journal started.