Journal Entry for December 25, 2013
It was a hectic year and I barely had time for personal reflection. But right now, vacation has started and allowed me some time to get my mind working on some personal housekeeping. The main content of this journal entry will focus on two seemingly divergent but connected events.
Before leaving Davao City (around Dec. 21), my boyfriend noticed a rash on my right chest. It didn't hurt or itch so I brushed if off and paid him no heed. When I got home, the rash spread and grew in size. I felt a weakness on my right arm and a pain on my forearm especially when exerting effort on that muscle.
I waited until Monday (Dec. 23) before telling papa about it. We drove over to the family doctor's clinic and was diagnosed with Herpes Zoster, a.k.a shingles. Though the pain was agonizing and the blisters' growth was worrying, nothing could prepare me for what happened on December 24th, the eve of Christmas.
My father left earlier before lunch to attend the family gathering at my grandma's house. His siblings were there but my mother, brother and I elected to stay behind because we weren't really that close with father's side of the family.
My mother waited until 7 pm before she told us of his habit to get drunk and enjoy the festivities. But that he couldn't tolerate his alcohol that much and end up stumbling around. And true enough, years ago my father bumped his car while coming home from his brother's funeral. He had a couple of drinks and insisted on driving home.
Anyway, while we were waiting, my mother told me that if it were this late, my father would have been intoxicated to the point that he would have to sleep over there. Thinking that this were the case, I continued leisurely surfing the net.
Around a few minutes after that, mother came in rattled and to the brink of crying. She checked up on the front gate only to find father with just one slipper and wet muddy feet. Once he is seated, father relayed his story of how the car nearly flipped and ran into a canal. A rescue team had to be sent out to get the car. Fortunately enough, he climbed out safely.
During the situation, mother burst into tears out of fear and apprehension. While I comforted her, I also felt the fear and a thousand "what-ifs" ran into my head. What if he hadn't climbed out? What if he was trapped? Did he suffer injuries? What if there were hemorrhages?
At a glance, you could tell that he's uninjured but what of the inside? He insisted that he's fine and that we shouldn't worry but is he really?
Right now, I couldn't think of Christmas. The entire family had already settled. But right now, I could still feel my own frailty and wave of depression and sorrow came over me as I imagined a life without not just my dad but my mom as well.
In this situation, I felt so worthless and useless. All I did was check for injuries. But that was in the aftermath. I could do nothing to prevent the crash in the first place and save my already frail and elderly father from the accident that wracked our family this night. I was still immature, never really growing up.
In the end, would the time actually come that I would have to live without them? Just the thought saddens me. But it also gives me a new inspiration to spend the days with them and make them happy. I gained a new strength to renew my zeal to study and finish the dream and vision that my father and mother set for me.
As I retire for the night, I can only hope that my father is safe and sound and on the road to recovery.
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